Saturday 25 August 2018

To be a "Man"

You must be a man. Those are the words everyone has told me since I was a child. Even as a child everyone told me I had to act as a man. If my knee hurt after a fall I had a to suppress the pain and bear it in silence as a man.

A rigid binary of roles exist for male and female. The idea was instilled since childhood. The idea of how I should behave and act and talk was so rigid, most would say it is more than a role it's a way of life.

I have never had an easy relationship with masculinity. In my life all the masculine figures were quite toxic. My male relatives very hyper masculine. They fought a lot, they swore alot, they drank a lot, they did drugs, they never went to a doctor unless they were close to death, they beat their women, they cheated on their spouses, they crashed their cars regularly, I suppose you get the picture.

You would think that the women of their lives would leave or find someone better but they never do. They would deny they got mistreated by their men, they would pretend they didn't get a abused or beaten, they would be hyper feminine as opposed to the men. Even women who would proclaim to all for equality between genders would gladly ignore holding their men to the same standard. It's was strange and weird.

This is what I mean that it's not just a role it's a life style, it's basically a culture. A culture of angry men and submissive women.

Growing up, I knew one thing. I wanted to be nothing like them.

I do not have a particularly masculine personality in the first place. I luckily have never grown addicted to alcohol or drugs, I have sought help for the problems of my life, I try to be open minded and I do my best to treat the women of my life well, I try to resolve conflicts with words rather than violence, though I make provision for self defence but I am not always successful. But it is not easy. Everyday I face, people relatives and friends who challenge me to "prove" my masculinity. Most of the time I brush them off but sometimes my pride or stupidity gets to me and I engage in acts that bring risk to my life and others. Things like reckless driving or even engaging in a physical fight. This was true mostly in my teenage years. My adult life is a substantial improvement, I guess experience does make people wiser.

But like I said it is not easy. Especially when you live in this culture of toxic masculinity. Everyday there's a new insult, there's always someone challenging you to prove yourself. Sometimes you can even engage in toxic behaviour without realising it. I remember once after someone gave me an insult and after a while I began to get angry and suddenly I was speeding down the highway oblivious to how fast I was going or how I was putting myself and other motorists in danger. My mother who was with me in the car had to cry in terror for me to realise I was being a stupid idiot and slow down.

It's all persuasive, this toxic culture. To try to get away from it, risks incurring severe penalties. You risk being distrusted or even getting ostracized from your family. If you don't enjoy getting completely drunk at a party, it becomes difficult to meet people or even form friendships.

For me personally, I would rather turn into a pariah than become my uncles and cousins. I don't want to die of alcoholism or addiction, I don't enjoy hurting people or mistreating them. I am me and I am my own man. I will be a responsible person to the best of my abilities, I will be humane as possible, I will help those who are less fortunate, I will do my best to do what is right rather than what is manly. It's a lifelong fight but I don't mind.

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